Wednesday, July 6, 2016

An Unexpected Break

I am back to blogging.. Or at least I think I am or hope. When I moved to Iowa back in November I had every intention of blogging and do it consistently.

I want to be transparent with the reason I took the break is because a lot of people where taking what I said too personally. I swear every single post someone thought it was about them. It was frustrating because these are my feelings and thoughts. I am entitled to them. With a majoring of the posts either husband or I was getting calls or texts about my blog post and who was it about, why is she saying this or that.  We would say the same thing over and over, which was. "This is her space. It's her thoughts. Gary would say I read the post before she posted it. She didn't mention anyone's name or quote anyone. If you took something personally maybe you are guilting of doing it." We really thought about getting it tape recorded because we got so tired of saying the same thing over and over. 

I took a break because I was so defeated and tired of having to defeat something I wrote. It just got to be enough. So I took a little break. I would write a few posts then not posted them out of fear of who is going to take insult next or how could this get turned back to my fault. I am very much peace keeper for a long time but it really caused me a lot of stress in my life because I wasn't always the wrong one sometimes that other person would be but I would try to keep the peace and take the fall. I'm not about that anymore. I am not going to apologize for things that aren't my fault or how I feel. I

This is my blog. This is my space. I AM going to write what is going on my life. I never come here to point fingers at anyone. I just write about my feelings. I use to say apologize a lot, even for things that weren't my fault or I had no association with because I didn't want anyone to hurt or be in pain. In the past I would quickly apologize for having these feelings. For a long time I fellt like my feelings weren't important or valued. I would have my feelings hurt and told to get over it or it really isnt' that big of deal. I was told that I was showing off and needed to stop because it made others uncomfortable or being a brat. I never felt like my feelings were acknowledged. 

Now I really don't care so much because I know my intention with this space and my life. At the end of the day did I bring myself closer to God and was it best for my family (Gary and Heisman). Really that all that matters. The rest is just noise. 

Also I feel like I should blog about everything anyway. Even if I would write in a notebook (Which use to be my favorite things I love new pens and a notebook) someone would read it anyway. So why not write it online for everyone to see so we can all be all the same page and things can't get messed up through a fun and exciting game of telephone. 

I hated taking the break. I hated not writing. I hated letting people have that much control in my life to determine what I was going to do. I hated having to apologize for my feelings yet they wouldn't apologize for the things they said when they hurt my feelings. I hated the double standard in our life.  I hate living in the fear of why everyone took what I said so personally. I hated life. I basically shut down and became num to everyone. I wanted to be in the shadows and didn't want to get noticed at all. 

Now I am back to blogging. I'm not sure the direction that I will go back I am looking forward to being back and writing. I am so thankful for all the emails and messages while I was on my "break." It really meant a lot. 

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