Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Spiraling Down

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I don't know how I go from blogging 3 times last week to absolutely NOTHING this week. I have emotionally been all over the place since the beginning of the year. I am just struggling with motivation and direction. I know the biggest reason that I haven't accomplished much is that I haven't set an real goals. I set goals, but they don't have any deadlines. They are more like dreams. I just say I want to do this then no follow through or action. I don't have any one to blame but myself.

I don't know why I am feeling so blah. I feel like I am in an angry place without ripping everyones head off. I hold a lot of the angry or annoyance in my mind. I haven't really released it which I know is equally bad but I'm sick of being judged.

I honestly don't feel like I have anyone that I can vent to that won't try to fix it or judge me. I just feel so alone with things right now. I try to do my gratitude journal and replay the day and look for little bright spots, but all I can remember are the crappy parts of each day.

I should have blogged yesterday to continue with my being grateful or having gratitude. The prompt was suppose to be about my family. My family has a whole is pretty encouraging and would do anything for me. I really do believe that, but I wish our relationship was better. There are family members that I don't even talk to. There are people that I don't trust completely. There are even things that have happened in my life that they don't even know about, and I'm not sure if I will even tell them. I know that it is my insecurity and not theirs, but truthfully I really don't believe that. Past experiences have led me to feeling this way.

The same goes with my bible study. I want to read the bible in a year. I want to have a deep and meaningful relationship with God and Jesus, but I am just reading it. I'm not really connecting with the words I am reading. I read post after post from some of my favorite faith based bloggers and yearn for their perfect life and relationship.

I never feel like I add up to anything. I just feel like I am spinning my wheels and going no where.





20 comments :

  1. I completely understand. I'm feeling the same way. I'm feeling upset because I apparently can't do anything right at both of my jobs. You can always vent to me!

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  2. This is why I love blogging.. it's your place to vent about whatever you want to vent about. We're always here to read and communicate together. As far as the faith based bloggers, dont let them fool you, they are not perfect either. They may seem like it but I bet they have dark days too.


    but as far as that goes, I know how you feel. I have been on this same struggle this year and it's not easy esp when someone so close to you says some hurtful things (my case) that its all ive been able to focus on. Just keep hangin in there and hold your head high. Do you have any specific reasons as to why you feel like this?

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  3. Keep your head up! And don't put so much pressure on yourself..blogging is supposed to be fun! I would try writing and communicating your thoughts on pen and paper. You will probably find that you're even more honest there :)

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  4. I get this way 3-4 times a year. I call it "the funk". Just keep on hating the world and eating copious amounts of ice cream and I promise it will pass. One way that helps me get over it is staying away from social media and blogs. Something about seeing everyone so flipping cheery makes me even worse. And I promise you, no one's life is perfect. You are only seeing their highlight reel and not behind the scenes. You are a strong woman who can do anything.

    Sarah
    http://www.yearofsarahblog.com

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  5. I wouldn't worry about any of this at all! Sometimes life throws you a ton of curveballs. When it comes to blogging, if you don't feel like doing it, my best advice is don't. Take a break and step back, then when you return you will feel much better about it and have a clear head. A few weeks ago I got pretty burned out between blogging, planning some stuff for the future, and my MBA classes- so I gave myself a few days to just take time off and ignore it all. It really helps to recharge once in awhile!

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  6. :( Hope things get better for you

    www.studentswife.com

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  7. I am so sorry girl! I hope you know how LOVED you you by your Abba Father!!! And, of course by so many others too!! Sending hugs your way

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  8. I have totally been in your shoes, and recently. Stop worrying about what you "should" do and do what you need to do to feel better. If the blog has transitioned from something that lets you share your thoughts and vent to something that adds stress to your life, take a step back until you get excited about it again. Putting the added pressure on yourself isn't necessary!

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  9. I feel like your title is perfect. It really is such a spiral. It's so easy to go down and down and down and so difficult to get going back up. I hope you get feeling better soon!

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  10. I think we all have these days and weeks - and even months sometimes. The year after I got married, I lost a lot of friends and opportunities because I was done making everyone else happy - I wanted to BE happy. It took a little bit, but slowly learning what I wanted, and putting that first sometimes (sometimes you just can't) made a world of difference in my life. Cheer up, and know we are all here for you!

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  11. seriously that is where I am right now. I'm sick of just holding back and getting taken advantage of. I just want to BE HAPPY myself. I'm glad that I am not alone and peopel can relate because when I talk to people they look at me like I have 6 heads.

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  12. It's so easy to just keep going down, but I am slowly getting back to where I was. It will take time. Not everything happens at once.

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  13. that has always been my biggest struggle is doing what I should be doing instead of what I actually want to do. I always try to make everyone else happy and take the burden of everything else. It just gets tiring after a while. I think I have been that way for so long now that I am wanting to change everyone thinks I'm a bitch or rude. No, I'm just doign what I want and it doesn't align with what you want.

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  14. Thanks! It really means a lot that you wrote that.

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  15. thanks girl. I really appreciate that.

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  16. I worry about EVERYTHING, and even things that could but usually never happen. I'm getting batter but it will take time which again I'm not too good with. I sat this weekend with a new blogging planner and it really helped getting my thoughts organized. Now I just need to write them

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  17. it has just been this season in general. I think it's a combination of things, but I just need to focus on my own page.

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  18. That's such a good idea. I am a pen and paper type of person. I just need to do a brain dump of everything on my mind. I know that I usually think it's a lot but not really.

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  19. Thanks girl. I appreciate it so much.

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  20. Jessa! You are a beautiful person inside and out. Jesus loves you and died for you. Nobody expects you to be perfect. Don't compare yourself to others! Those Christian bloggers who write the posts you've been reading are NOT perfect, I promise. They only appear like that on the outside. We all have days when we feel like giving up. The important thing is that you don't. Keep on trucking. You will get through this season with God's help. I'm praying for you girl! (p.s. sorry I'm just now reading this <- see I'm not perfect either. lol)

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